DIFH

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My wife and I are having another kid who is due in late April. This time it is a boy. Despite his kick-ass onesie with an otter and a pun and having a penis so I can teach him about man stuff like football and spitting without feeling weird about it, I am nervous as fuck about all of this.

It seems weird, because my revisionist history tells me that before my daughter was born, all I could picture was all of the cool stuff I would get to do with her. I would teach her stuff about music and hockey and wrestling and whatever and she would hang on my every word and gaze up at me like a puppy and soak it all in and revere me; part teacher’s pet, part dachshund. For some reason, before the birth of Fat Noodle (we let his sister name him; what are you gonna do? She’s three. It’s our fault for giving her that much power) the stuff I am mostly worried about is the logistics. Where will he go to day care? How will we pay for it? What if they fight? How will I handle him being an annoying little brother like I was? What if he needs food? How will I pay for THAT? What if he wants to play hockey? He will want to play hockey and I won’t be able to afford it. I mean, I think I was nervous about a lot of this stuff before Lorelei was born, but it seems like it is rearing its ugly head way more. So, then I get nervous that all of my worry will make me a bad father towards him, or that I will end up resenting him for making me worry this much.

A weirder, more abstract worry that I have is that I really like my daughter. We are good friends. So, what if being some other dude’s father means I spend less time with her? Like, do I not get to hang out and play hide and seek with my favorite person in the world because now I have to watch over somebody else? This is such a dickhead thought to have, because clearly I will have to find time for both, and I will certainly like him as much as I like her. But man, what if I don’t? That could happen, right? I mean, what if he’s just a compete asshole? Or, what if he’s a good kid who gets driven to being an asshole because his dad loves his sister more? Heady stuff.

So, all of these things are stressing me out a bit. I was sick earlier this week, and I’m still not convinced that I didn’t will sickness upon myself just so I could lay on the couch for two days and not move and not have to think. But, two things are obvious: I need a new job so that I can afford this new person and I need to accept that I will love him unconditionally. I need to remember that he will be a different person from my daughter, and moldable and enjoyable in different ways. He is totally going to be the Owen Hart or Jeff Buckley reincarnate I had always dreamed of, or he won’t be and that’s cool, too. I guess. I always joked that Lorelei was going to be an Olympic gold medalist and then president and then the Pope. Now, I’ll have a kid that actually could be the Pope! Imagine, Fat Noodle I pontificating from his golden throne. What I need to accept is that I am an idiot, and having two kids will be awesome in a different way that having one kid was awesome.

But things are going to change and I have to accept that. Most days when I go to work, I write the letters D I F H on my hand, on the outside just above my thumb. It stands for “Do It For Her”. It is a reminder that sure my job sucks, but I don’t do it for me. I work hard and earn a paycheck to support people I love more than myself. I have to do things I don’t want to do to make my kid’s life easier. Now, all that changes is I have to change the H to a T, for Them. It will be a bigger challenge and it will be hard and I will have to do things I hate and I will forever worry. But dammit, if I can handle one, I can handle two, right?

Right?

Oh, right. Music.

I had a piece for Des Moines is Not Boring run yesterday about Gadema’s The Brighter Side of Nowhere. I like the piece and like the album, but man, did it just make me want to listen to Gadema’s Jim Kelly Acquisition again. You should go do that, too.

Is there a cooler song in the world than “Mr. Kelly”?

As for shows this weekend, well tonight is the annual Asklandaganza. Dubbed Ganza 666, go to Mews and see Poison Control Center, Derek Lambert and the Prairie Fires, Wolves in the Attic and Mantis Pincers. Every time Mantis Pincers plays, I feel it is the last time they ever will, and then I miss them. Then they play again and I am totally amped and I miss them again. This time, I was totally set to go, but I have to work, so I can’t. This will for sure be their last show now because I am that unlucky. So, go see Mantis Pincers while you can. More info is right here.

Saturday is packed. I think my pick if you could only go to one would be at Gas Lamp for The Melismatics . They’re a Minnesota band, and they are awesome. But Mews features an early show with HD Harmsen and Lesbian Poetry opening for the Canadian band Boats. Also, the late show is headlined by Sioux City Pete and the Beggars with Land of Blood and Sunshine and Trouble Lights, among others. And for those in Ames, you could check out the M Shop for Mumford’s, Peace Love and Stuff, Rebel Creek and Surgery. This happens to be Surgery’s album release show, so it is well worth your time.

So with Surgery’s album, that pretty much puts me at about a dozen albums I need to review. So come back Monday for some of that.

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